I’m not a perfect parent. Shocker, I know. Something I struggle with a lot is consistency. I have really great ideas about what needs to happen in our house to keep things running smoothly, like star charts or time limits on TV or setting timers. Goal setting, record keeping, a regular schedule. But life is exhausting, and after a while, I let things slide. The star chart has looked exactly the same for 3 months. The boys know that if you just keep playing the switch, the internal timer we set will eventually turn itself off, rendering it meaningless. Turns out you can’t rely on the device to parent for you. Bummer.

I hate fighting, I hate repeating myself, I hate having to explain why too much TV will melt their brains or too many video games will make them act like monsters for the rest of the day. I don’t know exactly why the brain-melting or monster behavior happens. I just see the pattern and want it to stop. Why do I need to say it more than once? Ah yes, because kids test all the boundaries and sense weakness and are capable of waiting us out even if they don’t realize that’s what they’re doing. Again, life is exhausting. The little loves of my life are purposely trying to drain me of my willpower to hold firm on these limits at all times.

Recently, we went to an event where one of the boys acted in such a way that got multiple strikes against him. He was on a tear, and when we got home, I felt like I had failed him though he was the one acting up. You may have experienced this yourself. I couldn’t sleep and kept thinking about the conversation I knew we’d need to have the next morning, afraid I wouldn’t react in the way they both needed me to, afraid I would just get mad, afraid we wouldn’t connect and the learning opportunity would be lost. I needed to be a responsible adult, meaning I would RESPOND in a way that would help shape them and point them in the right direction to grow. I guess I put a lot of importance on that one conversation, but surely you see that I overthink things by now.

The talk ended up going great, despite the presence of a few tears. I felt like the older one actually understood why some privileges were being taken away for a short time, though he was obviously not pleased about it. We felt connected in a way we haven’t been recently. The little one still didn’t quite get it, but he didn’t argue much or ask me to watch tv all morning. Or only once. I will accept this victory, but the true test will be whether or not I can stay consistent. Because the connection will wane, the freshness of the lesson will wear off, and it’ll need to be me still saying no and staying firm when it would be easier to just say yes.