I can’t imagine anyone introducing me like this: “Meet Laura. She’s a mom.” I have a hard time picturing that scenario, as well as the face I would accidentally make at the person who said it. However, the reality is that I’m a couple of years away from being introduced or even introducing myself as my sons’ mom. “Hi, are you [Older son’s] mom?” has already happened, as he is in preschool. Well, sh*t, right?

As I’ve said, I added “mom” to the title page of my book, and it quickly took over the opening chapters, despite my resistance. I didn’t want to be “just” a mom, which sounds terrible, I know. I always wanted to have my own thing, so I’ve resisted being fully defined by this particular I AM statement to at least include some I DO statements. For example, I AM a mom, and I DO a job and DO a sport and DO some writing and DO kind things for others sometimes. These are what I would write as the chapter titles in my book. 

I resist being defined by the single label of “mom” because of the connotations society has attached to it. Cool moms are working hard to rehab the term, and I obviously love my own mom without attaching any of those societal prejudices to her. The stereotypes are obvious, right? It stems from resenting the notion that my own life and ability to accomplish anything of value is over, and I’m now living through and for my kids. I don’t actually think I know ANY moms in real life who think this though. I think every mom has her own thing in one way or another, whether that mom stays at home or works outside the home. 

This is clearly my own hang-up. It’s an outdated stereotype that won’t get out of my head. There are so many cool women who are moms, and I’ve said it before and will say it again, becoming a mom has added such a depth of perspective to my own life that I care WAY LESS about what people think of me individually, which is definitely a hallmark of coolness. Please note, I am not calling myself cool. I am not cool. But I care way less about being cool and care way more about how my children are doing, which is a personal freedom as well as it’s own new exciting burden.

For example, moms judge the crap out of each other, especially on the internet. The internet does not make a person anonymous, nor does it stop the person one insults from being human. It’s not difficult to see WHY the internet judgment happens. Every mom, every parent, is trying to do the best they can to raise their little human beings. They think – they have to think – that what they are doing is best for their children and best for their families. They think what they do is the best. Everyone does. So when someone does it differently, they either stop and consider that another’s circumstances or choices leading up to this point have been different than their own, leading to a different conclusion, which is a process that takes time, or they get defensive and react, a process that takes no time at all. Obviously the internet allows us to share our reactions immediately and has effectively removed our thought filtration process. Then, once those reactionary statements are out there to be agreed or disagreed with, people either have to stand their ground and defend themselves, or they have to admit they were wrong initially. Lots of people have trouble with this. I do not do twitter for a reason. My initial reactions suck. I need filters.

I see lots of moms out there in the world and on the internet too (I mostly see them on Instagram because that’s where I spend my virtual time) who support each other. I want to think and hope that this is a phenomenon that’s growing and spreading, that moms and women can be supportive of one another and make THAT part of their identity. I want to be a woman who supports other women and have that be one of my chapter titles as well, because I have been supported by other women in meaningful ways.

And so, despite my early resistance, “Mom” is a massive piece of my identity puzzle, and if I can think of it that way, I love it. I love this piece of myself because I love my children. I also love other pieces of my identity, like the writer piece and the athlete piece. There are pieces that I don’t think about as much, don’t like as much, perhaps take for granted, but this is probably enough psychoanalysis for one post.

I know we can’t (or I can’t – I shouldn’t assume) just BE without identity or titles, but we CAN be less judgmental. We CAN give others space to be who they are without feeling threatened. We can give ourselves space and time to think and consider before we react. We can include empathy in our identities.