My writing has been a little more difficult to get to these days because of the other major pull on my time (besides the main one of child-raising, of course): job-searching. It super sucks. I haven’t written about it here because it feels really personal, like I’m admitting to a major failure. I tend to feel overall that I’m a pretty smart, capable person. When I’m at my best, I can take challenges in stride and still feel pretty good about myself. Job-searching is trying to destroy that part of me. The hope is that once I do find a full-time job, I’ll be stronger for it because I’ve been through this oddly soul-searching process.

However, I’m at a point where I feel like I just can’t take another job rejection. And then I get rejected again, and it turns out that I can. Always just one more, I guess. I’m hearing a lot of “thanks for applying but…” and “opportunity is out there, but this one just isn’t the right fit!” Or my least favorite: silence. I get that one a lot. They care so little about my application that they can’t even bother to say no. 

This is the source of 90% of my frustration right now. I left my job, by choice, in the middle of a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic-fueled recession. I liked this job. I cared a LOT about what I did. But being home full time at the beginning of quarantine showed me how much I was missing with my kids due to the coach schedule. I left in search of a 9 to 5 job, or even something remote. It seemed so possible, so right, with all of the changes to work norms. 

Whatever the cause, the point of writing this is not to complain about being unable to find a job. The point is to say that it sucks out there right now, and job-searching is a seemingly unwinnable game. There are HR algorithms to learn, game, and beat. There are recruiters or HR screeners to woo and win over. There’s also the difficult task of proving that I’ll be great at something I’ve never done before. Job training doesn’t seem to exist anymore, so everyone they hire needs to be ready to hit the ground running on day 1, and since so many people are out of work, they have LOTS of people to choose from. These are things that I know. These are things I can tell myself when I’m frustrated that I didn’t get a call back for a job I know I could be great at. They don’t always make me feel better.

I am a mom. I LOVE being a mom. I never imagined that I would be a stay-at-home mom. It is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I definitely went into it thinking it would be hard, so I am not disrespecting stay-at-home moms. In fact, I feel increasingly more respect for you each day. But I WANT to work. I have a part-time job I love, so I’m luckier than many.

What is worrisome is that women are being hit harder by pandemic-related job losses than men, and now, probably for a lot of reasons, but not least of which is the need for caring for young or school-age kids at home, many women have stopped looking for employment outside the home for the time being. I chose my way into my predicament, but I seem to be falling into the same traps. Paying for childcare seems excessive if I’m job searching and working part time, and overcoming my anxiety about sending them is part of the equation as well.

In conclusion: I don’t really know what to do next, but I’m going to keep job searching and writing and child-caring and trying to keep my head up. We’ll see how long this lasts.