I decided not to work out today. It’s been a week, hasn’t it? 

I woke up this morning feeling heavy. I’m tired, as we all are probably, and it’s gotten to a point where I don’t know what it would feel like to NOT feel tired. Maybe it’s just in my head. Maybe “tired” is the word I’ve attached to the feeling that more closely resembles carrying the weight, the heaviness of the task of guiding little lives through the horrors of the world and feeling wholly unprepared. 

You are reading this on the internet, so I don’t need to explain to you what happened a week ago today. The feelings and thoughts that have come up range from incredulity to anger to fear. But white supremacists told us they were going to try to overthrow the government, and then tried to overthrow the government, so surprise isn’t on the list of emotions. We haven’t explained any of this to our 4-year-old, and he hasn’t asked since the only tv he’s seen since last week has been Octonauts and Toy Story 2 for the 18 millionth time, but like most kids his age, he sees and hears more than we realize. I’m sure the questions are coming. 

I woke up today and didn’t feel like working out. I decided to do what felt right, instead of forging ahead and ignoring the “you need rest” voice in my head that probably first gets the message from my twitching eye and is seconded by that one spot in my back that has never quite loosened or healed. 

I also decided that it’s ok that I don’t want to work out today. I’m not training for anything and haven’t ruined anything in just one day. I’ll get back after it tomorrow. I started this blog wanting to put out something positive and non-judgmental of other moms, other women in general. Over time, I’ve realized that I have to stop being so judgmental of myself. 

We all experience the world through a series of lenses, each informing and sometimes warping the others. Some lenses are clear and others are foggy. Some amplify and some diminish. We are all the center of our own experiences, putting us at the center of our own universes. And we all contain lifetimes of events and feelings and struggles, seen through lenses unseen by others – all of these little universes running around, crashing into each other. The events of last week show how complicated we are. How far apart and sometimes unknowable each person is.

I guess I have a lane now, and this falls outside of it, but Mama, I feel the weight with you. The world is dark, but we can try to make it brighter, for our kids, for ourselves, and for the universes in our collision path.