I will have to look back on when I actually started this Momlete blog, but I do know it’s been a few years now. At the beginning of all of it, I was a lot more focused on the “-lete” half of the word than I am now. I honestly don’t know what I thought I was going to accomplish in the world of athletics, but I knew I wanted to accomplish SOMETHING, and all of my previous “somethings” that I was really proud of had been in that world – my comfort zone, my main source of confidence.

The “Mom” half is now center stage, but not in a way I resent. That might be shocking to admit, but maybe you know what I mean. I resented the loss of being the center of my own life. I resented that I was considered by some to be less important in my own life than the smaller lives I’d helped create. I had thought of myself as an athlete for so long, and time and aging and child-bearing were working against me. I WAS supposed to accomplish something in that realm, right?

So time may have run out on the athlete thing, at least in terms of trying to WIN at the highest level, or a very high level anyway. I needed to transition into a different mindset and didn’t realize it. Or I didn’t choose to be intentional about that transition. I actually ended up doing something resembling mourning, which I guess makes sense. That part of me was gone and would not be coming back. I don’t want to get morbid and say a part of me died. It was just over and in the past, and I really did not properly deal with that before turning 30, which seemed like a real turning point for the abilities of my body. Then I had a kid and a couple of other pregnancies and then another kid. It was a lot of physical toll to pile on top of this un-dealt-with emotion. That was almost 10 years ago now. It was a long time coming to work through those feelings and find self-worth without feeling like I had to earn it.

That example might be pretty specific to me, but there is a lot of pressure put on moms to set aside their pre-mom abilities. Not just work or athletics. Hobbies get set aside, dreams are put on hold, ambitions get left for another day when there will be more time. Yes, of course our kids are incredibly important to us, but aren’t we important, too?

Being a mom is incredibly gratifying on its own, it’s true. I just didn’t see it that way before. I love my kids. I delight in all of their growth and changes. I am astounded by their interests. I just know that when I started writing this blog almost 4 years ago, I had not yet transitioned to letting “Mom” be my main identifier. And now it feels more ok. Maybe it’s part of growing up (because I will never stop growing up, similar to a tree; I will continue to grow up until I die because calling it “aging” sounds absolutely terrible, and I will not be doing that, I just decided), or maybe I just like my kids more now that they can talk to me (maybe I should feel bad about saying that so bluntly), or maybe it really is the mourning thing and I’m ok with not being a real athlete anymore. I still do sporty things. I still love to challenge myself. I will never stop loving those things. I’ll keep the Momlete name because the “Mom” does come first, after all.