I used to be a morning person. I’ve talked about this before, and it’s still evolving, but last night, I realized I am very much NOT a morning person anymore and maybe only ever was out of necessity. I never woke up cheerful. I would wake up early and have brain function, but I was largely silent until 8am or later. Rowing doesn’t involve a lot of talking. And then after practice, I would take a big ole nap.

Once rowing became a past life, it was still easier to get in a workout if I did it first thing in the morning, especially after the boys were born. Then I would only need to take one shower to not sit around dirty half the day, and I did truly feel more energized after a run, at least until about 2 or 3pm when I would either eat a ton of snacks or crash. It was the same pattern as college – wake up at 5am, work out without speaking to anyone for an hour and a half, then be awake enough to interact with my family members by the time they were waking up. It wasn’t so much that I’d wake up chipper. I’d just have post-run endorphins going by the time I finally saw them.

Some time last spring, something changed. It didn’t have anything to do with Little Man’s cancer treatments, at least not on its face. I just stopped wanting to get up early. I started getting up roughly when the boys did and doing my workout in the middle of the day. It was supposed to be a temporary measure until I felt more rested. Sleeping later seemed like an obvious choice. However, waking up at the same time as small children who immediately are able to run laps around the house at full speed the moment their feet touch the floor is not ideal, but I kept doing it. I’m just really grumpy for the first hour and a half I’m awake. It’s not great.

Ok, so not a morning person, but I’m still not a night owl. I really like going to bed around 9pm, maybe 9:30, 10pm on weekends. We tend to put the boys to bed around 7:30 or 8pm. Then dear husband and I watch an episode of something, let the dog out, and read in bed for a while. I actually stayed awake until midnight on New Years’ Eve this year, and I felt terrible the whole next day. I hate staying up late and being tired at night, and I hate feeling like a waste of space the next day. Staying up super late has never been something I enjoyed, which made waking up early for sports not a huge deal. Becoming a night owl was never going to feel natural to me.

But here’s the thing: during the day, I’m still pretty tired. That means my current pattern is to wake up later than I have my whole adult life, I am tired during the day, and I go to bed early… that seems bad, right? I don’t even remember what it feels like to feel rested or not tired. Maybe this is just how I’m wired to feel now, which seems really negative, like a huge bummer. My guess is it’s all tied up with stress and what I eat, and I’m potentially still holding on to some trauma from the past couple of years. I just know I need for this to change. I feel like half a person right now.