Lately, maybe since becoming a mom, I have been a PLANNER. This isn’t a trait I was born with. The planning trait has increased in intensity as the boys transitioned from babies to toddlers, and then when one of those toddlers was diagnosed with cancer, I felt like planning was my main source of a feeling of control that I’ve been able to cling to in this life. I think this planning tendency started out as helpful, but as I tend to do when I go all in with something, I let it consume and overwhelm me. 

Today, I was at the gynecologist for my annual exam. We don’t want to have any more babies, but I always feel a little twinge of sadness when I go in there knowing I’ll never carry and grow a baby again. I was thinking about when I was pregnant with our little one, I was super stressed the whole time (being pregnant after 2 miscarriages will do that), and I wondered what I’d do differently if I were to become pregnant again. I thought, well I’d just BE. I’d just hold and snuggle that baby and chill the heck out about things. Easy to say, I know. 

But then I was like, I don’t do that NOW when I’m not pregnant or in possession of a newborn. Little man’s treatment is going well, and he’s on track to start maintenance this week, which will mean a year and a half of fairly predictable treatment schedules. At first, I was excited that I’d be able to plan again! I was more excited to plan, to be able to sit down with my calendar and write things in it and get a picture of what the next few months we’re going to look like, than I was to actually do the things. In reality, actually doing the things felt sad or overwhelming or underwhelming or some weird combination of those. The act of living the life I was trying to plan in detail was not satisfying. It was just a little scary after all the time spent worrying and being stuck in the house. 

So I’m trying to take some deep breaths and plan less. I think I got into this idea that if I plan everything, eventually it would all be planned and set, and then I could relax. Obviously when I state it like that, I know it isn’t true. There will always be more to plan, and then the relaxation never comes. It sounds simple, overly simple, to say I need to let go of the plans and be in the moment, but I think that’s the point. I’m trying to make it so hard. It doesn’t have to be so hard. It can be simple. Take a breath, do laundry on Sundays, unless you can’t and then do it on Monday, and don’t worry so much.