After I posted that thing last week, a bunch of people reached out to ask if I was doing ok or offered words of encouragement, and I was reminded that I’m friends with some really lovely folks. Thanks for the love and validation, everyone. 

I’m ok. I was scared to post that last week, to be honest, but I feel like documenting how I’m feeling as we go through this is important. Even if the bad days don’t last forever. Thank goodness they don’t. I’m not trying to take back what I wrote because I felt how I felt, and I still go to that place sometimes, but it’s not all the time. There are lots of ups and downs.

For example, a down: Little man is on steroids this week. He feels terrible. His legs hurt and “feel wobbly.” He’s tired. He’s irritable. He probably also feels other physical and mental things he can’t really describe to us, given that he’s just now 3 years old. Thankfully this is only a week-long stint with the steroids. Then he gets a break! See? There’s an up! Then down again: In a couple of weeks, he’ll go back on another kind of med that also really sucks but isn’t nearly as terrible. And back up: then we’ll be in various phases of maintenance. MAINTENANCE! Can you believe it?

This just isn’t a normal time, and trying to make it feel normal sort of makes it feel worse. Some good news is that I’ve been able to be more consistent in my running again. I feel good running again, not like I’m forcing myself to take each step and feel like I’m getting slower as each run progresses. I haven’t felt like this since the spring, so hopefully this means some fitness is coming back. I’ve been trying to run with other people instead of always running alone, and that has been amazing. Thanks, running buddies. 🙂 

I’ve been talking to my lovely therapist about how we – husband and I – are basically always in a heightened, fight-or-flight mindset, and any time we have space to think and feel is when sadness and anxiety come in. So that means I’m either holding it together because I have to (“for the family”) or I’m actually feeling the emotions I’ve been shoving aside in order to get shit done. There’s not a lot of room for joy, except when I’m with others and can compartmentalize a little bit. It’s a weird way to live. 

Someday I’ll be normal again. Someday I’ll have a wider range of emotions than “keep it together” and “lose my shit.” I’m not there yet. Keeping it together for now.