I don’t mean for this to come off as aggressive. I really want it to be more like a friend sitting down for a heart to heart, cup of coffee in hand. But some honesty needs to be doled out. It’s about friendship. If you think you should NOT contact someone when they’re going through something really hard (death in the family, horrible diagnosis, etc.) because you don’t want to bother them or you don’t know what to say, you aren’t actually supporting them. This is not “giving them space.” You have removed yourself from their circle of consciousness. 

For a grieving person, this circle is very small. It is very lonely. And unless others around them try to pry it open a little wider to make room for themselves (if the person allows it, obviously), those people are not going to be inside it. It is not up to the grieving person to reach out for help. They can’t. They’re grieving. Things don’t make a whole lot of sense in this state.

There are probably a lot of reasons a person decides not to message someone who is going through something hard. They might be worried about saying the wrong thing or bothering the grieving person in the midst of their grief. I think I remember saying the same things to myself when friends of mine were going through hard times, before our younger son was diagnosed with leukemia this spring. Now I know this is not the best course of action. (The all-or-nothing part of me wants to straight up say that this is WRONG, but I’m not everyone. Maybe some people really do want to be left alone.) But I can say from my experience, there is nothing more lonely than grief and feeling like no one you care about cares enough to reach out to you in the midst of it. 

I am only going to speak for myself here, but this is my experience: I am not going to reach out to anyone right now. Reaching out when I’m down or feeling grief over this diagnosis is emotionally exhausting. I was once needy enough to do it, so a less confident version of me might’ve over-extended myself and still tried to be the conversation initiator, but thankfully I’m more willing to protect myself and my own mental state than I once was. It is not the job of the person going through the hard time to make sure their friends are ok with what’s going on. If you haven’t heard from me in a while, it’s because my son has cancer, and I am not going to play the initiator. Presently, that’s your job. (I’m not saying you, reader, need to text me. This is not meant to induce guilt. I’m using my own case as an example for a future instance with other friends.) 

(Please no one be mad at me.)

Being a good friend to a grieving person is hard. I acknowledge this. Maybe you don’t want to talk about grief or cancer or loss. Maybe you legitimately don’t know what to say and are afraid of saying something that will make things worse. I can only speak for myself, but I still think saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing at all. Also cancer/death/instance of grief is definitely worse than your stupid comment anyway, so “worse” is relative. Showing someone you care and are thinking about them will be understood as positive, even if you say something imperfect. Spend a little time thinking about what to say if you’re worried about it. I think I can speak from a place of authority on this one when I (ironically) advise you to not try to give advice. Even if you went through something similar. It wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be the same. The two of you aren’t the same person. Be with them and show them you care by being present, even via text.

However, if you want to continue being a friend to this person, you’re going to have to endure some unpleasant or uncomfortable conversations. If you don’t want to endure them, you may have to come to terms with the fact that you’re not as close with the aggrieved as you thought you were, or you’re not a very good friend. This is not an attack. It’s a call to action. Look inside yourself. Do better next time.