Have you ever had that thing where you’re sitting outside or going for a run or whatever, and out of the corner of your eye, you see something that you swear MUST be a snake? But then you turn your head, and it’s a stick or a hose or something normal and non-snake? 

Now I’m doing that with illnesses. For the little one, a limp turned out to be leukemia. That has allowed me to justify worrying about every sniffle and bloody booger and stint of tiredness. I found a tick on the older one’s head earlier this summer and spent weeks convinced he would develop Lyme disease. It is VERY HARD to chill out right now. 

This is not advice, obviously. Don’t be like this because it’s exhausting, and I felt the stress of it in my body. That was the most physically I’ve noticed stress manifesting itself in my life. I felt so worn down by it all in a way I’d never felt stress before. 

I got a couple of yoga books and had big ideas about doing yoga on my own at home. When I’m going to fit that in is still unclear, but I’m managing to be pretty zen about the whole scheduling thing, so that’s an improvement. Finding a way to de-stress has long been a challenge for me, but now I’m experiencing my highest-ever stress levels, so finding a way to let go is much more critical. The snakes are seemingly everywhere, and when I turn my head and see the stick, I’m still pretty suspicious it’s a snake and have to spend some time convincing myself that everything is ok. 

To be fair, everything is not ok. The little one still has leukemia and treatment super sucks, but I’m learning that “dealing with stress” doesn’t actually mean “ridding one’s life off all stress.” It actually means accepting life circumstances as they are, controlling what you can, and letting go of the rest. I can’t make him not have leukemia by stressing. I can’t make the older one not get bit by a tick. (He doesn’t have Lyme disease, by the way.) I can take the little one to the hospital and give him his medications at home and trust everything is working. I can get the tick off the big one’s head and clean it properly. That’s it. That’s what I can do. 

Oh and I can take lots of deep breaths and try to do yoga sometimes and get massages and listen to music that makes me happy and run as often as possible.