It’s time I took a little break.

I wanted to write and had so many things to write about in the past 2 weeks, but my mind wouldn’t focus and let me get my thoughts down. The election brought up so many emotions and anxieties and levels of elation. I acknowledge my family’s privilege, in that we probably would’ve been ok if Trump had won, but I’m so thankful our country decided, even by these narrow margins, to turn away from racism and hate-filled speech and ideas. 

I think I was trying to get by finding the easiest fight to fight. It HAS TO BE about finding the one I’m best equipped to handle, and then going out and doing it with every tool I have. My tool seems to be written words. I am terrible at presenting an argument face to face. I get flustered and emotional. I think too hard about how the words sound and what my face is doing and trying to read the faces of the people listening to me. In a coaching situation, I’ve learned what needs to be said at what times and feel confident presenting those manifestos or tirades or whatever the situation calls for, but when it comes to this election and the racism in this country and the short-comings of feminism and other complicated issues, my confidence fails me, and I laugh when I want to cry and smile when I feel like screaming. I make no sense. 

Writing is cleaner. I’m sitting alone right now. Typing slows the thoughts down and makes them clearer as they’re coming out. I can edit. This is where I can fight. It’s where I have to fight. And it’s why I can’t let this election time pass without saying anything about it. I know I’m not an activist. I haven’t been trained, and no one is expecting me to write about this. People might be annoyed that I’m writing about this rather than mom stuff and former athlete stuff. I don’t mean to turn people away if that’s what you’re looking for. 

But I’ve sat down for the past week and a half trying to write something not dealing with the election and its results, and I feel like a liar. And a coward. So here I am, picking up tools where I can find them, like learning more about intersectional feminism and the history of feminist movements over time, and figuring out how I can use them. 

However, dear reader, this is supposed to be about you, not me. You read this because I sometimes say things you find useful or relatable. If you relate to me because you, too, are a white, middle-class, suburban mom, I hope you can recognize without anger that you have privilege too, and the racist or misogynist policies and systems in place that affect people of color and especially women of color will never be dismantled until white people, especially white women who believe in feminist ideas, take up the fight. 

And that brings me back to needing a break. I need to read more and educate myself. I need to listen more than I speak for a while. I need to let the dust settle on my thoughts a bit. I’m not going to return an expert. I’ll still write about being a mom and former athlete. But I am a woman and a feminist too, and that piece of me can’t go ignored.