Let me start by saying that I am incredibly lucky in my life. Privilege is another word one might use. My family and access to education gave me opportunities that many people don’t get, and I’m probably even benefitting in ways I haven’t fully considered. Just know that while this post is about how women have it tough, I know that I personally have not had it as tough as some. I am thankful for what I have and am empathetic toward those who have it tougher than I do. 

But let’s talk about standard judgement of strangers. I guess what comes to mind is average comparisons women make of each other. There seems to be a desire to feel superior to others. I am a competitive person. Wanting to be the best is innate in me, as it is in many athletes, so I think there’s definitely a bit of competitiveness to this. Here’s the thing though. There are a lot of women out there who are better athletes than I am. Maybe some of them live in my neighborhood. Sometimes, I judge because I can’t compete. Hypothetical “she” is a faster runner, so I pick something else that supposedly makes me better. She spent more on her gear, or she must be neglecting her kids to be as fit as she is, or she clearly doesn’t have the stresses I have. How unfair is that? And does it truly make me feel better about myself to mentally tear another female athlete down? Of course not. 

Being frank, I have made a lot of strides in this area of judgment. I don’t judge others as much because I don’t have a lot of fear of being judged. I know I’m not the best runner in the world, or even in my neighborhood, but I’m confident in my own abilities. I can recognize that I’m pretty good and am happy with what I’ve accomplished. I don’t mind being passed as much (though my competitive spirit might drive me to run a little faster) because I can have a genuine appreciation for this other woman’s athleticism. Self Confidence is a great cure for judgement. 

I also think that it’s just a gut reaction to see someone and think, I would never do that, so there must be something wrong with that person. For example, this morning, it was sunny and about 55 degrees out. It felt warm and lovely to me. I wore a short sleeved shirt and long running pants, and a mile into the run, I was wishing I’d worn shorts. With half a mile to go, I saw some women walking wearing coats, and one was wearing a winter hat. In my head, I immediately decided these people were insane and should be avoided. We (here in Chicagoland) have been stuck inside due to winter and disease for approximately 49 years now, so now that the sun is out, I am basically never wearing a coat again. However, maybe these women grew up in Florida. Maybe 55 degrees really does feel cold to them. Maybe they didn’t check the current temperature and had just left their houses. I only saw them for a moment, so they could’ve removed layers later. 

The real point is though, what does it matter? In what way could it possibly have affected me that these particular women chose to wear whatever they chose to wear? I passed them in the street and will probably never see them again. Why did my brain spare even a thought about their coats? I’m guessing because I’ve trained it to observe and criticize whatever I see, which means it’s going to take some work to untrain this reaction. 

There are theories out there that say we’re taught to compete with each other starting at a young age, or even that it’s evolutionary and deeply ingrained, that it’s all about our relationship with men. There are articles like this and this that lend credence to this. It just seems to me that if we lighten up on each other, things would be easier for us. And that’s just the start. 

What if we actually supported each other instead of passing judgement? What if we said, “Good job,” and really meant it when we passed another woman running? What if we stopped trying to tell each other what to do and just listened to each other? What if we really took the time to see things from one another’s perspectives? How much better off would we all be?