I have been an athlete since I can remember. When I was little, I wanted to do the sports my dad did. I do not remember a time in my life before playing soccer. I started doing summer track when I was 10. I tore my ACL in high school, so I needed a new sport and found rowing in college. 

At the same time, a part of me always knew I wanted to be a mom. I took it for granted that family and kids would be part of my adulthood. I now know that it’s not always possible for everyone, but I was lucky enough to be able to meet someone I love and have kids. 

Athletics and family have been two of the most constant aspects of my life. It was easy when I was little and living with my parents. They were part of the reason I wanted to be involved in athletics in the first place. My dad was an elite hurdler in Greece (Greek national champion as well as Balkan Champion), and it was due in part to track that he had the opportunity to come to the US for grad school, where he met my mom. My parents drove me to countless practices and games/meets, cheered me on from the sidelines and stands, and gave up the majority of their weekends when I started playing travel soccer in middle and high school. “Athlete” became part of my identity early on because my family was so willing and supportive of me pursuing goals in sports. 

After I tore my ACL early in my senior year of high school, I had a bit of a crisis of confidence because what would I be if not a soccer player or hurdler? Turned out, I could be a rower! That had the added benefit of being something no one in my family had ever competed in, so it would really be MY thing. I put off having to know myself as anything other than an athlete for a few more years. 

I don’t mean to be glib about it. I LOVED being an athlete. I loved the sports I participated in, the people I met through those sports, the feeling I got when I did well and accomplished something I’d been working toward. I learned how to be tough and push my body further than I thought it could go. I learned how to really trust people in the way you can in the sport of rowing. Being an athlete taught me things about myself that I really value. It was also a good way to assume an identity and not think too hard about the other aspects of my life. 

For better or worse, I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I’ve been told I have an obsessive personality (not obsessive/compulsive – I just get really into one thing and kind of forget about everything else). I loved rowing so much that it was all I was going to do for the rest of my life, and then all of the sudden, I realized it really had taken over my life, so I wanted to quit. And I did. One day, I was a pre-elite rower. The next day, I was just a barista with no discernable path. My parents weren’t pleased. I was 22 and had no idea what to do next. Athletics hadn’t given me the answer I wanted, and my family was telling me smart things I didn’t want to hear. 

To sum up the following few years, I threw myself into one thing after another, kind of flailing about, trying to find something that would end up being my purpose in life. The constant was again family, both the family I grew up with and the family I chose and helped create. Athletics was always in the mix as well, increasingly as a coach rather than an athlete. (There were a few awkward years in which I was both.) 

Now we come to the role of Mom, and I’ll begin to wrap up. Up to this point, I viewed my life by putting myself as the lead. Athletics were there to support ME. My family was there to support ME. I was the evolving character. (I mean, not really, but that’s how I saw it. I was selfish. I know this.) Then, our first son was born, and by choice, I no longer felt like the leading role. I started choosing to view myself as a supporting role in my son’s brand new life. Taking time out for myself was now what felt selfish. “Go for a run? What if he needs me while I’m gone? Go to the gym? What if he wakes up? He’ll definitely wake up. I can’t go to the gym. Maybe tomorrow.”

I was still coaching, but I didn’t view myself as an athlete during this time. I needed a balance. I need BOTH athletics AND family to be important because while my sons are clearly tops on the priority scale, running or rowing (or whatever) are what allow me some mental space to be at my best. I need that time, and I need it most days. Thank goodness I’m figuring this out because I think it’s making me a much better mom.